Yup. That’s where I am.
It could be the emotionally taxing week last week, taking its toll on me now. Nothing out of the ordinary physically, but my head and heart hurt.
I thought that I’d be well-equipped to handle rejection – being in theater and all, one would have to be thick-skinned. I have been prepared, even trained, in rejection. First, it was customary to hear such words of wisdom like “don’t expect/ set your expectations too high” from your father. Then, in school and university, it got to be where you expected, even liked, the mental and physical torture. It was all just a game, and you just have to know how to play. And I played, albeit hesitantly. Even if I was already scared witless or bawling inside, I would remain silent, which people misunderstand for subservience. My ass. Then I would channel that emotion, usually rage, in whatever creative activity I was into.
This time, I am torn by caring and not giving a feck. I don’t want it that bad. It is a good thing, this rejection. This is a sign from the heavens that it is not meant to be, at this moment. Stuff I tell myself.
But I am such a sucker for approval. Sucker.
It could be the emotionally taxing week last week, taking its toll on me now. Nothing out of the ordinary physically, but my head and heart hurt.
I thought that I’d be well-equipped to handle rejection – being in theater and all, one would have to be thick-skinned. I have been prepared, even trained, in rejection. First, it was customary to hear such words of wisdom like “don’t expect/ set your expectations too high” from your father. Then, in school and university, it got to be where you expected, even liked, the mental and physical torture. It was all just a game, and you just have to know how to play. And I played, albeit hesitantly. Even if I was already scared witless or bawling inside, I would remain silent, which people misunderstand for subservience. My ass. Then I would channel that emotion, usually rage, in whatever creative activity I was into.
This time, I am torn by caring and not giving a feck. I don’t want it that bad. It is a good thing, this rejection. This is a sign from the heavens that it is not meant to be, at this moment. Stuff I tell myself.
But I am such a sucker for approval. Sucker.
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