Thoughts of Mom

I have been very touchy lately, especially towards my mom. I am not particularly happy about the way I've been treating her these days, and I guess I need to sort out my feelings toward her through this entry.

Last Sunday, we went out to celebrate my mom's birthday at Megamall together with my tita and my cousin. I don't know why and what we have been talking about but my aunt commented that my expression towards my mom was that of "exasperation". And maybe it was. Although I don't know why I was fed up that time. And I do catch myself dismissing her texts, or find a way out of the way she would make lambing in the morning and wake me up, or interrupt her when she starts to say something. I don't know why and when that started. I don't like it.

I have to do something about it fast.

But then when I hear her praising my cousin as if she's Mutya ng Pilipinas (she lost in the contest eons ago); or when she's proselytizing about going to mass every Sunday while shooting about other people's physical and moral shortcomings; how money places a premium in our life (it does you know, but we don't want to be reminded all the time); and that somewhere in the back of my mind, i have this niggling feeling that she might be right after all.

Aaaaaccckkk!

And when she's with her sister, my aunt, it's horrendous! The annoyance is sometimes to the nth power that last Sunday, the joke my sister cracked about how to silence questioning older friends and relatives asking questions as to "when are you next" when they see you at weddings, and other family gatherings (answer: the next time, you are together with these older relatives and friends who've annoyed you with the question at a funeral, ask them, "kayo po, kelan kayo susunod?), was deemed effective but really cruel.

I don't like the way she makes tampong matanda, and goes about with her "poor little old me" routine. That she feels bobo when she's with us. That she feels unappreciated. Sigh. What do you do with a needy mom?

I want to reassure her that I love her and value her ideas and insights. So much so that I react the way I do... defensively. For all my counter attack on her suggestions, I am afraid to admit that yes, she may be right --- that (more, a lot of)money will make me feel better, that a better future and a potential partner may be waiting in Western horizons.

I have a lot to thank my mom. I thank her my youthful ("oily") looks; my soulful ("sad") eyes; my machine-gun laugh; my ridiculous sense of humor and tolerance for the absurd (care of my mom's family); my down-to-earth sensibilities; and my love for family. She has encouraged me through all my interests: from reading, to hula-dancing, to ballet dancing, to speed-reading, to piano playing, to jazz dancing, to theater. She has nursed me through bad falls, minor burns and cuts, case of irregular bouts of bowel movement during childhood; irritable itchy ears; anemia; chicken pox; mumps; bad case of acne; diabetes and high blood scares.

My mother is someone I admire and love. Now shouldn't trust and respect follow?